I’m not very good at recognizing “readiness”.
I often conflate the best version of someone with who they are today.
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I was telling my boss recently that I am not very good at being present.
I’m so focused on the future, that I am only like 5% present in the moment.
I know enough to smile, to wave, to talk to you about the little things, to hold open the door… But everything else has to be planned.
I am always prepared for my work meetings.
I have been told that my contributions seem so effortless.
What they don’t know is that I spent an obsessive amount of time doing the homework, checking my answers, thinking about how I did the homework, and trying to anticipate how I could be wrong BEFORE someone calls me out on something.
Future Focused
I’m pretty obsessed with my future.
I don’t know how long I have on this great, green Earth.
Sometimes I think I might live forever. Sometimes I think I have just one more day.
But my brain defaults to the future.
I’m not the fastest guy on the block. I try to play the long game with life. If living like a college student now means I can spoil my future wife (whenever I find her), then that’s a worthwhile tradeoff.
If I can make room for experiences and keep my daily life small, then I can make those experiences more meaningful (and hopefully less stressful).
My folks, love ‘em to death, tend to get worked up about the cost of meals at restaurants. They voice their displeasure at the prices of things.
And I get it. I know how hard it was for them. Stretching a dollar as far as it could go was the only way to make it through, especially during the Great Financial Crisis. Money was not a boon, but rather a burden.
I feel for them. They’re amazing and deserve so much more than what they’ve received.
Those years are likely burned in their psyche. It’s definitely burned into mine.
I’d like my frugality to only come at my expense. And for others, they should know no barrier for I will cover it all.
This way, I can set myself up for the best chance at the future I have been dreaming of.
This focus on the future also finds its way into my perceptions of others.
I See You
But sometimes the “you I see” is not the “you of today”.
When I meet someone, I default to seeing them at their best. But that can make for some unrealistic expectations if they’re not there yet.
I see you for who you will become and sometimes I treat you like you're already “future you” without recognizing that there's time which must pass first.
There must be effort and experiences that inform.
There must be wins and losses that refine.
There must be wounds that are healed.
I try to be a man who lives a life of low entitlement, but I also have very high expectations. And when I forget who I'm stacking the expectations on, it might seem like I'm acting pretty fucking entitled.
For that, I am sorry. And I am working on it.
I Am a LOT
I really enjoy people.
Coming from the land of trees made me crave human connection. I can’t get enough of it.
I think everyone deserves to be cared for. Especially by random strangers. How wonderful could this world be if the person who doesn’t know you, loves you just as much as someone who knows your entire soul.
I tend to pour a lot of energy into people. I love the world on purpose.
Because I’d rather do too much than not enough.
One Final Thing
This wasn’t my intended post for April (just barely made it lol), since I got writer’s block on that letter, so I am writing this one out of an inspiring discussion I had recently with a good friend of mine.
I really wanted to steal his framework for thinking about readiness, but I told him I’d give him 6 months.
The clock is ticking, buddy. I will either be updating this with a link to what you wrote or with my own version of your framework in October 2023. I’ll give ya credit either way, but one is better than the other.