I haven’t written much in the last 12 months or so. A few pieces. Good pieces. But I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet for a long time.
I was burnt out in early 2022. I had decided to leave a guaranteed paycheck and take a leap of faith into the darkness. With no plan, I somehow ended up in Chicagoland by July 2022.
I’ve since found a new life down here. It’s been very different, but objectively good:
I’ve started to get healthier. I am definitely happier than I was in early 2022. I am finding myself again. I am more conscious about the people around me (and am putting more effort into expressing my love for them). I’m working at a great company that’s allowing me to actually thrive instead of just survive. I’m seeking a spiritual connection with the things beyond me. I’m trying to position myself well for my future. I’m learning to live.
The Grass is Greener Where You Water It
But sometimes you’re trying to grow grass in the desert.
I am on the path to my better self down here in Chicagoland. It is clear to me that this is my place, with my people.
But I do miss my family. It is the one thing this place doesn’t have.
Now, I’ve been blessed with more than I deserve. I’ve gained surrogate family members through both my current employer AND my previous one.
Not to turn this into a humble brag moment, but what a piece of affirmation that was, when the CFO of the previous company I worked for (who lives just a few miles away from where I live now) offered to help me however/whenever I need.
I probably don’t call him enough. I definitely don’t thank him enough.
There was a time when the idea of having a community of people who love me seemed so unlikely, so unrealistic.
Rise to the Occasion
Many years ago, I was preparing to exit out the backdoor of life.
I was a Sophomore in high school. I had never felt more alone in my entire life than I did back then. I was definitely the most depressed I’ve ever been.
My best friend from my elementary years had found a girlfriend during middle school. And he did what any of us would do. He focused entirely on her.
As I fell further and further into darkness, he fell further and further in love (or what you could call love, for us youngins’).
Through this deep dive into darkness, I grew further disconnected. I stopped caring about school. I stopped trying. I knew I could just pretend. And it was working. They were all none the wiser…
I was also a coward. Scared of my own shadow. It took me a long time to work up the courage to attempt to sneak out.
Fatefully, when I resolved myself to my plan to sneak out the back door of life, my former best friend knocked on the front door of my parent's home.
He had broken up with his girlfriend. He was struggling with his coursework. And he was running out of time.
He asked me if I would tutor him.
It was the last thing I wanted to do.
But to say no? That would ruin my plans to sneak away! His mother was a force, she’d certainly set my own mother on my trail. And that we could not have. That would make all my plans moot.
So I said yes. I would tutor him. I didn’t think it’d make much of a difference anyway.
I was an asshole back then too. My parents still tell me stories of how strict and rough I was on him. I recall being cold toward everyone… I don't have many regrets, but that's definitely one of them.
But he kept showing up. And fuck me, I had to start caring about classes again.
I needed to understand the material so I could teach him. Otherwise, my sneaking plans would again be stopped.
Sometime after we got into a regular cadence of tutoring, We both got our schoolwork done faster than expected. And for my former best friend, going home just meant more chores. So he asked me if I had any games.
We started by playing Skyrim on my Xbox 360.
I had a tiny, old tube TV.
We would take turns doing quests, take turns exploring the world of Skyrim.
He eventually brought another controller. And I bought Call of Duty.
We started playing split-screen on the tiny TV.
I was good at watching what he was doing while also controlling my own soldier (aka screen peeking). He would get so mad at me, but in a fun way.
I was having fun. We made up our own language (couldn’t swear in the house). He was a poober. I was a skaz. There was no greater insult than to be a turkey, or being the son of a turkey.
My aunt gave me her old flat screen, 40-inch TV.
We were soon gaming in style.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot about my plan to sneak out of this horrible experience called life. I eventually forgot that I thought it was horrible. I also forgot the things that made it so.
It wasn’t long after our gaming sessions when I started getting invited to parties!
Awkward, husky, quiet, nerdy Steven was socializing with his fellow classmates and those from other schools/grades. He was making friends and finding out about all of the other things teenagers got up to.
All of a sudden, I felt a bit more in touch with my environment and the people that made it up.
I was going to kill myself…
But then, unexpectedly, I was needed.
And that need drove me to care.
And that care drove me to connect.
And that connection exposed me to the fullness of life.
And the fullness of life helped me realize just how much I was failing to experience.
10% Ted Lasso
If you ask the people around me, I think they'd tell you about how happy and positive I am.
I hope they'd remark on how I put so much emphasis on the little things.
I aspire to be for others the light that accidentally saved me.
One of the greatest compliments I received in my entire life was how I reminded someone of Ted Lasso.
Here's how we can all work towards being 10% Ted Lasso:
Develop a default state of joyfulness, gratitude, and forgiveness (for yourself and for others).
Appreciate the humanness of our world.
Maintain an allowance of serendipity and curiosity towards others.
Prioritize the little things.
Understand that efficiency is not all that it’s cracked up to be.
Embrace new ideas and be eager to learn.
I’m Pretty Lucky
I could dwell on all of my struggles. And I have plenty. And they do affect me.
The “day-by-day” life is hard for me.
But the future is easy.
I get the gist that for most people, it’s the other way around.
But my blessings are infinitely greater than I deserve.
And if there’s any secret that I might get to opine about in my 80s (let’s be honest, I opine about it plenty nowadays lol), if there’s any secret: It’s that I have this little can of gratitude that I’ve been given ever since those days when I wanted to sneak away from this life for good.
I’m not supposed to be here.
I was resolute in my conviction, and for one moment that conviction was to put an end to it all for me.
And through a pure set of reasons unbeknownst to me, I was redirected.
So all of this is bonus.
I had finished the game. The fact I’m still playing says less about me and a lot more about the people in my circle.
One Final Thing
I am trying to get back into the swing of writing. You should expect an article from me on a monthly basis (at least). I will try to do more, but the goal is 1 article a month.
Sometimes just life updates, thoughts about the news or markets, or simple ideas. Those topics will make up the Rundown. (Like this article)
Other times you may see more substantial pieces which are intended for a dream book I’d love to one day write. Those substantial and interconnected pieces will make up the Beginnings of a Magnum Opus.
Private for sure...Well, except for me!!!
I do want to state that I was a happy kid. My default state was joy. But that came with sensitivity. And the environment I loved (school) turned against me in middle & high school. There are considerations I still need to make about my own role in that. But this story explains how I got out. How a great friend pulled me out of the darkness and into the light.
And my family is great. No one is perfect, but they're all pretty damn good. Devoted to work, to others, to improvement... That's kinda my whole shtick. They're quite private people though. I don't talk about them much on here for that reason.